IMAGINE THAT YOU REALLY want a chocolate cake. You have all the ingredients in your cupboard. You even have a recipe, a cake pan, and a stove. But for some reason you decide to sit still and just long for a taste of the delicious chocolate cake. You even pray for a chocolate cake. And at the end of the day, you are utterly disappointed because you never got the cake you wanted. So, what happened? You knew how to make the cake. You had everything you needed. But you never tasted a crumb of the cake or a lick of the frosting.
Relationships are like chocolate cake. We want to have closer relationships with people. We even have all the ingredients we need as well as good recipes. But we struggle to do the things that will help us create warmer connections and experience deeper togetherness.
FIRST THINGS FIRST
The first ingredient of any closer relationship is always kindness. When we feel loved and cared for, we feel safe and happy, and our hearts are open for a deeper connection. A smile, a gentle touch, a helping hand, a thoughtful treat, some loving words all help to develop warmth and trust. Imagine that blending the softness of butter and the sweetness of sugar are like creating the caring foundation for closer relationships, just as they are
the basis for a good chocolate cake. It’s important to mix them smoothly and thoroughly so the cake has a good consistency.
Jesus started each new relationship with compassion and kindness. He saw everyone He met as a beloved child of God. He wanted to show them how much God loved them, because they had no idea how loved they were. He noticed their need, moved closer, listened to their story, and reached out in kindness to bring healing, comfort, grace, and peace.
LET’S TALK
The second ingredient of a good relationship is the ability to have authentic and vulnerable conversations. These help us learn more about each other. We don’t share everything about ourselves all at once. We share a few drops and watch for the effect that it has on the relationship. Does it bring us closer together or push us further apart?
Then the other person may share a few drops. We mix them into our relationship, and they become part of our growing understanding of each other. We slowly add teaspoons of information about ourselves and our values, beliefs, opinions, and ideas. Eventually we feel safe enough to talk about the vulnerable parts of ourselves, hoping that each time we do, the other person will continue to accept us as we grow in trust and love.
This communication process is like adding eggs to the cake mixture. Most cakes need at least two eggs. The eggshells need to become “vulnerable” and crack so they can share their contents with each other. We add the beaten egg to the butter and sugar mixture a little at a time so it can be gently integrated into the batter. If we put all the egg in at once, the mixture may be hard to blend, or it may curdle.
In the hours before His death, Jesus told His disciples that they were more than servants—they were His friends. That’s when He had told them everything the Father had told Him. Jesus communicated deeply about His love for His disciples and the whole world (John 15:9-17).
WORKING TOGETHER
The third ingredient in a deepening relationship is doing things together. As our care and communication increase, our trust in each other grows and we feel more confident about taking on a project together.
When we work together in practical ways, we learn how to balance our skills, how to collaborate, how to give and take. In a home, this might be growing a garden together, freshening up a room, raising children, or being involved in mission projects. In a church context this might be developing a children’s ministry, decorating the space for a wedding, or starting a ministry to the community.
Working together grows relationships because it involves the ingredients of caring for each other and of open communication. This is like sieving the flour, cocoa, and baking powder together and mixing them into the butter, sugar, and egg batter. All these ingredients need to work together to make a good chocolate cake. None of them would work on their own. Jesus taught His disciples the importance of collaboration. Together they fed more than five thousand people. Paul described the church as a body in which everyone is an essential part of a well-functioning one, each gifted with spiritual gifts and designed for loving and caring relationships (Romans 12).
GIVE IT UP
The fourth ingredient of healthy relationships is the ability to give to one another in a balanced way. This involves listening to each other so that we are aware of each other’s relational, spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. It involves having a generous spirit that enjoys giving to others, because “it is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Relationships in which each person is blessing the other, by giving kindly and freely in
ways that bring their loved ones joy, are like wellwatered trees that flourish and grow delicious fruits.
Every ingredient needs to give to the others to make a good cake. If any ingredient refuses to share, the cake will be spoiled. Selfishness, self-importance, and expecting others to give to us without giving loving care in return will not result in the delicious relational “cake” that God planned for us. Jesus showed us how to have happy and healthy relationships by following His recipe of loving care, vulnerable communication, collaboration, and generosity.
So if we want a slice of that delicious chocolate cake, and if we want to have rewarding relationships that transform our lives and the lives of others, let’s pick up those ingredients, follow the recipe, and practice making the loving cakes that will bring joy to our marriages, families, churches, and communities.
