IN THE 1970S I WAS in college at La Sierra University. I was dating a theology student who was scheduled for an interview in hopes of getting picked up by a conference. We were newly dating, but he asked if I wouldn’t mind coming to the interview because it looks good to have a potential spouse there. So I accompanied him to help him out.
It went so well that one of his friends asked me if I would go with him also. It got to the point where the conference personnel were scratching their heads commenting, “He is new, but haven’t we seen you before?”
Times have changed. Some embrace the new challenges, while others are not in favor of change. But regardless, this is where the current church is at. There are conferences now that don’t even allow the spouse to be part of the interview. The thinking behind this is that they are hiring the pastor, not the spouse. Sometimes there are legal and ethical restrictions to interviewing a non-employee. We also have women pastors, and some come with a male spouse.
For this article I interviewed three men who are spouses to their pastoral wives. All the men were willing to talk to me, but anonymity was a concern, so some of the names have been changed. Following are the questions I asked them:
• Express an experience that you treasure in this role.
• What are some of the challenges?
• What would you like other male pastoral spouses to know?
• Was there a difference you experienced from the beginning to your current time in this role?
• Should there be a spouse role in the church today?
• What would you like to tell the congregation if you could?
RICHARD
Richard is 47 years old. His wife has been a pastor for nine years. He told me that his best experience in this role was in another country. When they arrived, all the members brought food and remained late into the night putting their belongings away. “It made us feel at home,” he says. He appreciated the love and support from those people, and it is a memory he treasures.
Some of his challenges have included moving around while trying to go to school and transfer credits. At times he has also been made fun of and told “It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.” When I asked him to elaborate, he said that people comment to him that he, the male, should be the pastor. It is said in jest, but he knows what they mean.
“I just treat them as I would want to be treated,” he comments. “Ministry as a spouse is a privilege. We are just human and working for God.” He wants the congregation to know that “children make mistakes and sometimes we do also. So lower your expectations. My main role is to pray and support my wife always.”
PETE
Pete is 66 years old. His wife has served as a pastor for one year, and he is currently retired from his employment. He hasn’t spent a lot of time in this role as a pastoral spouse, but he did have a few things to say.
He likes the opportunity to be with his wife Sabbath mornings in church and meet old and new people. But he admits, “It has taken some time to adjust to this role. It’s a different pace. I’m not a fan of moving either.”
Currently he is not directly involved in her work. He mostly supports her. He said that if he could tell the congregation one thing, it would be this: “Pay attention to my wife’s needs and support her.”
DANIEL
Daniel is 40 years old. He has been married for 13 years and has two children in elementary school. He states that the time he cherishes is leading worship and music with his wife. It is something he did even before they were married.
One of the challenges he faced is the stress and frustration that came from the COVID pandemic, both in his personal job and as a spouse to his wife. “There were some life-threatening illnesses throughout the congregation,” he shares.
Other things he didn’t expect were judgments from people regarding his choice of musical instruments. He also never dreamed he would have to make suggestions to his wife about her choice of clothes and hairstyle on Sabbath mornings. To be herself but not too trendy. Regarding the pastoral spouse role, he says, “I think it depends on the couple. I hear about the needs of the church, and I attempt to pitch in when I can. I am thankful and proud of my wife. I try to be patient and supportive. And if I could tell the church anything, it would be to also be patient and supportive. It can be a challenge to balance my work, children, and church activities, but we make it work!”
DIFFERENT BUT SIMILAR
Being a pastor’s spouse myself, I was inspired by these men. We have similar interests, but these men face some different issues from what I have experienced over the years. I also realized that it can be easy to dismiss someone who is male in this role. People think that men can take care of themselves. Individuals also need to realize that if the pastor’s spouse participates in church, that is just a plus and should not be required.
Male spouses of pastors are looking for where they fit and are needed in the work of God. Just like all people, male spouses require our love and support. Being a pastor’s spouse, either as a female or male, has its privileges and challenges.
