WE ALL ENCOUNTER TRAUMA of some kind at some point in our lives. This is one of the sad facts of life in this very fractured world. We might not face it personally; it might be someone in our family, congregation, or community. But even then, it scrapes and bruises our hearts and minds. In these very complex and confusing moments of trauma, we need to feel the compassion of someone who cares deeply for us and who will slow down and pause to help us recover our sense of safety.
THE BLESSING OF NUMBNESS
Whenever we go through trauma or shock, our first reaction is likely a sense of numbness. We may be in denial. We may feel frozen or confused because any kind of sudden trauma is disorienting.
We’ve been tipped out of our familiar comfort zones and into a painful chaos. We struggle to make sense of what is happening. The numbness is our mind’s natural way of preventing us from being overwhelmed by how terrible things are while we try to cope with our immediate needs for safety or medical attention.
RECOVERY ZONE
Whether trauma touches us directly or indirectly, finding a quiet place to sit and let our senses recover from the ordeal can help. We can snuggle in a blanket and sip warm, soothing drinks, such as herbal teas with honey. We can also take slow, deep breaths to help our body calm down naturally and to lower the levels of the stress hormones adrenalin and cortisol. Being close to someone who cares for us, hugs us, and reminds us to rest, eat, and drink will also help us to find peace. We might need someone to hold our hand and pray for us, but it’s best to keep it short and simple. A distressed mind will struggle to stay focused or learn new information.
INTENTIONALLY FORGET THEIR WORDS
When sitting with someone in trauma, we might be startled by their words. Sometimes going through a traumatic time makes finding the words to express our feelings difficult. It’s quite common for people who don’t usually use bad language to become angry or say words they wouldn’t usually use. The kindest thing is to let this go as long as no one will get hurt. Don’t add to someone’s distress by judging them for what they do and say in moments of severe emotional trauma. And be kind enough to keep these moments confidential. By doing so, we won’t add to their painful memories by gossiping and damaging their reputation.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO TALK . . .
We used to think that talking about trauma helped us recover from it. However, counselors have noticed that reliving the memories and experiences can add to our trauma and slow down our recovery. Instead, it’s best to let people decide for themselves whether they want to talk about their experiences (Ecclesiastes 3:7). If they do want to talk, they may share things that will distress us. If we are not ready to listen to their stories, we can help them find a trained counselor or someone who can be a good listener (James 1:19).
LISTENING WELL
If we choose to listen, here are some simple tips for listening well. By making eye contact, we show that we are paying attention to the speaker. Our ears are listening. When they pause for us to talk, we should summarize what they have said first to check that we have heard well. This also reassures them that we are truly listening and interested in what they say. It also allows them to clarify anything we might have misunderstood or forgotten. We keep our brain engaged and stay curious about their story so we can ask warm and helpful questions. And we listen with our heart, showing empathy and compassion, and offer our hands to help where needed.
COMPASSION ON A TOUGH DAY
Even if we or our loved ones are not experiencing trauma now, we can all have tough days. It’s good to plan how we will care for ourselves or anyone else who has a bad day. If we’re feeling troubled or exhausted by the day’s experiences, we can choose to do something that helps us feel happier, calmer, or more loved. Our “Comfort List” could include any of the following:
• Pray.
• List ten things we are thankful to God for.
• Watch or do something that makes us laugh.
• Listen to soothing praise songs.
• Name three things that went well during the day.
• Ask ourselves where we saw Jesus at work today.
• Plan something to look forward to.
• Look at something God made that fills us with wonder.
• Breathe in deeply and exhale slowly, as if we are blowing bubbles.
• Do something kind for others.
• Spend time working on your favorite hobby.
• Gather with friends. Warm and positive relationships with other human beings help us to manage life’s ups and downs in this unbalanced world.
We can also make a “Comfort List” of all the ways that the people in our family like to be comforted when they have had a challenging or painful day and keep it where everyone can be reminded how to care for each other.
If we live with other people, we can share our stories of the day together. Comfort the sad moments. Be kind, appreciative, helpful, and encouraging toward each other. Do something fun together for a few moments in the evening. We can be intentional about telling each person in our home how special they are to us. Sharing daily experiences together will help us feel less alone with our challenges.
SOOTHE BEFORE SLEEP
Soothe someone who has experienced trauma as much as possible before bedtime, especially on the same day as the trauma. When we go to sleep with a distressed brain, it can add to our levels of anxiety and sadness. Say comforting things, such as “I am so sorry about what has happened to you. No one should ever have to endure something like that.” “You are special to me, and I care about your suffering.” “I wish I had been there to comfort and support you.” They may like a warm bath, a hot milky drink, or a hug to help them calm down.
GOD IS OUR COMFORTER
When we are traumatized or having a bad day, it’s good to remember that no matter how we feel, God is always with us. He notices every tear and heartache (Psalm 56:8). We can give ourselves a big hug from God by wrapping our arms around our chest. We can encourage others to do the same and to remember that He is always holding them in His loving arms and whispering words of love and compassion (2 Corinthians 1:3–4).
