THROUGHOUT MY ACTIVE GRIEF, I was tempted to withhold what I was honestly experiencing, thinking I would spare myself added discomfort or spare the one who casually asked, “How are you doing?” I could either respond with polite avoidance or be honest with the person. Which option would benefit us the most? Always, it was honesty. But being honest about our grief is a bit of an art.
SPEAK THE TRUTH, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES
While my son died over 32 years ago, there are times when the wave of grief sweeps over me. This past summer, I found myself overcome with the need to share stories about Dawson. And there was Darlene. It took courage, yet I could cry freely and be real with her. She listened so well, and I was free to be honest. But if we haven’t practiced telling ourselves the truth about how we feel and think, it might feel quite unusual to begin now. Begin by honestly assessing your thoughts and feelings at the start and the end of each day.
It is so easy to fool ourselves into believing something differently than our authentic self really knows. Now that your heart is broken, there is less need to pretend. The healing feeling is grief. If you want the grief to move through on its flow to the sea, you must get in and ride the current to its destination to find restitution, resolve, relief, and renewal.
If you wish to gain the most benefit from being honest with yourself, take out some paper and a pen and write reflectively about your grief experience thus far.
By being honest about your current grief experience, you might find the courage to be honest with others. Talking with a trusted friend is a safe place to begin. You could start by reading them this article or simply summarizing what you are learning about the importance of honesty with your grief.
NOT EVERY INQUIRY NEEDS A FULL EXPLANATION
We can indeed sense when others are not emotionally safe for us to share an honest reply. I found that a few preplanned replies helped enormously. I sometimes honestly responded, “Today is a little on the hard side right now. I don’t feel like talking about it. Thank you for asking.” Or “I don’t think I will be fine for a long while.” Or “It is exhausting for me to talk about my grief right now. Thank you for understanding.” With these responses,
we can still maintain honesty but avoid mismatches in timing or the person inquiring.
The virtue of being honest with ourselves and others is a useful tool in the bereavement process. It opens our hearts to the healing presence of the One who knows us best. When we exercise our trust in God’s faithfulness to heal our broken hearts, we can experience it even more readily when we practice honesty with Him. There’s no need to hide any pain from His authentic healing presence.
Have you ever had a time you practiced being honest or avoiding honesty about your grief, either with yourself or with others? Your story just might encourage someone else. I am guessing it will.
