THE HONEY-DO LIST in my mind would easily add up to a dozen different items. If I wrote down each item and focused on this list of things that haven’t been done yet, the outcome would not be positive. No, I would potentially fall into a pit of frustration and, even worse, bitterness, blame, and resentment. Perhaps I have lingered in this pit at times and experienced the potential negative results. OK, not perhaps; I have.
As I am sure you have experienced, church administrators and church workers have pressures and responsibilities that result in ten-hour-plus workdays, often extending into at least six days a week. Undeniably, the challenges they face are beyond difficult. According to the Barna Group March 2022 Pastor Survey, only one in ten pastors who are considering leaving the ministry prioritize self-care.1 Could it be that spouses have anything to do with this?
When my husband walks through the door after a long workday on the spiritual battlefield, he needs time in his “empty box.” Unfortunately, that means not tackling my to-do list.
I am not saying pastors can’t fold some clothes, wash dishes or the car, mow the lawn, and listen to their partner’s day—they totally can. However, if spouses can give pastors some room and space to be still, this will recharge them to be able to help you better.
Maybe the time allotted your pastorspouse in that empty box could be prenegotiated? Then, when you are deep in diapers, supper preparations, Bible stories, and helping siblings share, you will know that the empty box time has a limit, and soon help is on the way! Can I hear a “Hallelujah”? In the same way, work with your spouse to carve out uninterrupted time for you, because being a pastoral spouse is hard work too. You need to be released to have your moments to rejuvenate and develop passions.
SPACE TO RECUPERATE
Another area where we need to encourage our dear ministers is in allowing them to have hobbies. Again, not focusing on the to-do list but releasing them to have time for their rejuvenating passions. When they engage in something that interests them it will stave off potential burnout.
For my pastor-spouse, it is the simplicity and joy of bird watching. I know that if he spends two to five hours a week logging birds spotted, he is refreshed in a way that honestly refreshes me. In addition, if I can release him to go build trails in the woods at Middle East University, he returns exhausted but deeply renewed. When he is tackling weeds or sawing fallen down trees, he is alone with nature and God.
Working outdoors gives him a place to exert physical energy and cry out to God for wisdom. There is no chance the cracked-paint walls that are on my honey-do list will be fixed, but somehow my man has received the renewal he needs to face the problems and challenges for the next week.
Sometimes I struggle with releasing my man. It’s a balancing act, and one that I have not always navigated with the right attitude or freedom. I’m human and so are you. At times the urgency of the list overtakes the need to release and rightly so—especially if it is affecting our quality of life (like the hot water tank is broken). A healthy conversation would revolve around how to balance our need to accomplish some practical things with our need to release each other to have fun.
Importantly, as ministers creep closer to retirement, they need interests outside of church. If their only identity is ministerial work and more chores from your to-do list, they will not navigate retirement well—at least not nearly as well as someone who has developed passions and interests.
COUPLE TIME
Marriage is hard work. The importance of taking renewal time to intentionally focus on the two of you as a couple cannot be overstated. A “ministry-marriage”
is a relationship defined by church work.2 While that can seem noble at first, in the long-term it is not healthy. If all we are doing is church events and talking about church and ministry, we are heading for trouble. Pastoral couples must make time for things that bring us closer as a couple. We are in a long marathon of ministry. Run well. Run wisely. A prize awaits. We are stronger together when we release each other to recharge, and when we play together. Take courage as you navigate the years of ministry ahead.
1 “For Pastors Who Want to Quit, Self-Care & Soul-Care Slip,” Barna Group, March 5, 2024. https://www.barna.com/research/spiritual-formation-back-seat/.
2 Gail MacDonald, High Call, High Privilege (Hendrickson Publishers, Peabody, MA, 1998), pp. 165–167.
