"PLEASE, CAN I TALK TO YOU? My daughter's boyfriend abused her. I want to help her and comfort her. But I don't know where to start." My heart went out to Melody.* I knew the story. Her teenage daughter, Ana, had come to me for counseling, and our conversation was confidential. However, I could still help Melody navigate her fears and concerns and give her some simple skills to support Ana.
ALL KINDS OF ABUSE
Abuse can happen in many ways. Anything that violates a person's sense of safety and well-being and leaves them afraid, hurt, sad, and even ashamed can be a form of abuse. Abuse can be physicalwhen the body has been injured and hurt. Abuse can also be emotional-when a person has been shamed, belittled, criticized, and made to feel afraid, or when someone tries to distort their sense of reality. There is also sexual abuse-when someone has been forced to engage in sex acts against their will. Financial abuse can happen when their money is taken away from them or when they are not given enough for their basic needs and the needs of their dependents. Spiritual abuse happens when any of these abuses occur in a religious context or when the Bible and spiritual teachings are used to manipulate and hurt people.
ARE YOU OK?
Not everyone feels safe to talk about their abuse because abusers often threaten their victims into silence. Someone might be more withdrawn than usual or stop using social media. Abusers often disconnect their victims from their friends and family. Those who have been hurt may stop coming to church or wear long sleeves to cover up their bruises. They may look sad and avoid eye contact, not have enough money to buy food, or be restricted from leaving the house. If you notice changes in a person's life, quietly ask them if they are OK or need help. Make sure that no one else can see you or overhear your conversation. Slip them a note or find a secure way for them to communicate with you. Be aware that their abuser might ask to read all their messages and emails.
LISTEN WELL
It's not easy to listen to stories of abuse and pain. We don't want to hear them. But we need to speak up in a supportive and loving relationship. Melody needs to be aware that hearing Ana's story might cause her distress, and she will need to calm herself with prayer and deep, slow breathing when comforting Ana (James 1:19, 20; Ephesians 4:29).
TALK ABOUT THE EFFECTS
We used to think that people had to talk about their abuse to find healing. Now we understand that talking about abuse can be traumatic too, as people re-live their frightening experiences. Melody can ask Ana about the effects that the abuse has had on her life. What has Ana stopped doing that she used to enjoy? What is she doing differently to help keep herself safe or to find healing? What are Ana's hopes, and what are the best ways for Melody to support and help her?
HEALING MESSAGES
Melody can share these healing messages with Ana: I believe you. What happened to you was wrong. You are not to blame. You were a victim of someone else's very bad choices. You did the best you could in dangerous circumstances. You were courageous and made good choices that protected you from more harm. I care about you, and I am so sorry that you went through this experience. God cares about you. He hurts so badly that this happened to you, His precious child. God is always with you and notices every tear. He wants to comfort you and help you to feel safe and loved (1 John 4:18).
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP?
When someone has experienced abuse, it's important to let them make their own choices about how others can help them. Ana may feel like a broken victim. Empowering her to make decisions will let her know that her choices are important. If Ana is not sure what she needs, her mom can offer some suggestions and let Ana choose the one she likes most. Melody can ask Ana what she can do to help. She can write a comforting prayer for Ana to read. She can help Ana access medical, legal, and counseling support; protect her from further abuse; and plan lovely things to look forward to that will help her feel precious and loved.
A BASKET OF COMFORT
If you know someone who's been abused, fill a basket with experiences that will help them feel cherished and blessed, such as a book of encouraging devotionals, hand cream, a handwritten prayer, favorite treats, a creative distraction such as Bible verse coloring cards, and a print out of the "Father's Love Letter" from www.fathersloveletter.com. The website provides the letter, based on many Bible verses, in almost every language.
SITTING IN GOD'S LAP
Melody can help Ana remember that God loves her. The abuse didn't happen to punish her or because God wasn't caring. He hurts with us when we are distressed. He notices all our tears, and He binds up the brokenhearted (2 Corinthians 1:3,4; Psalm 56:8; Psalm 147:3). Melody and Ana can imagine that they are sitting in God's loving lap and that He is giving them a big hug. He is rocking them in His loving arms, stroking their hair and crying with them as He wipes their tears. What do they think their loving Father would say to comfort them in this moment of deep distress?
FINDING JOY AGAIN
As part of the healing journey, Melody can encourage Ana to list 100 things that bring her joy and help her to do as many of them as possible. They can share three things that went well each day and thank God for them. Melody and Ana can plan kind things to do together for other people because kindness to others can help us heal our sadness and distress. You can find lots more ideas for emotional healing at https://ted.adventist.org/ family/flourish/.
We are not all therapists or counselors, but we can all find ways to be present in the lives of others like Ana by listening kindly, loving them, praying for them, and helping them to find joy and confidence again in the safe arms of their loving Father.
*All names and circumstances have been changed to protect confidentiality.
