AS PASTORS' SPOUSES, we are placed in positions of trust and are sometimes expected to find solutions for our members who need help. Sadly, I've heard many stories of children, women, and men being abused.
Forty years ago, as a young pastor's wife, I didn't have the understanding or the tools to support those who came to me with their painful stories of abuse. You see, I grew up in the '60s to '80s in a country where men dominated their wives and children. The use of abusive punishment and violence was the
"norm." It took me years of training as an educator and minister's wife to learn how to help. Through supporting others in their pain, the Holy Spirit taught me to listen with compassion, to pray for others experiencing abuse, and to find help for those who need it.
IS THERE ABUSE IN OUR CHURCH?
Abuse is a very difficult subject to talk about in public, especially in the Christian community. It's necessary to know how to address it in these days when it is increasing in our culture and becoming more prevalent in our churches.
TYPES OF ABUSE
Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, mental, emotional, financial, and even spiritual. It involves intentionally or unintentionally harming or injuring another person. Abuse can occur at the same time as neglect, which is defined as emotional deprivation, abandonment, and/or failing to meet a vulnerable person's basic physical and medical needs.
RECOGNIZING ABUSE
Many "red flags" can help identify child or adult abuse. Typical signs of abuse include behavioral changes, withdrawal, aggression, violence, hyperactivity, bedwetting, low self-esteem, and physical signs such as bruising. If some of these are present, there may be cause for concern. Some of these behaviors may persist into adulthood.
PROVIDING SUPPORT AS A PASTORAL SPOUSESupport the victim. Take time to listen and believe what they are saying. Pray for the victim and pray for wisdom and guidance from Above.
- Let the victim know that you care about their safety and that they don't deserve to be hurt. Use phrases like these: "This must be so scary and difficult for you." "I am so glad you are sharing this with me." "It takes courage and strength to talk to someone." "You've been hurt to such a degree that you do not feel safe."
- Connect victims with crisis hotlines, support groups, domestic violence shelters, mental health services, or whatever they need.
- If the victim is a minor, it must be reported to the local child protection authorities for further evaluation and to prevent further harm to the young person. Learn how best to do this.
- When the victim is an adult, authorities need to investigate if the alleged perpetrator is a pastor, teacher, medical employee, or anyone else in a position of authority over the victim. What we sometimes call a clergy "affair" is actually illegal in many jurisdictions and abusive in all cases.
HOW TO PREVENT ABUSE
1. Educate yourself and others about this topic.
2. Advocate for and support policies and procedures that include screening, training, prevention, identification, investigation, protection, and reporting/response.
3. Ensure that young people are always supervised, preferably by at least two adults in church ministry settings.
THE BIBLICAL POSITION ON ABUSE
Although the Bible condemns all abuse, it contains many stories and descriptions of abuse and suffering. In Isaiah 53, we find words such as afflicted, distressed, crushed, oppressed, broken, wounded, and pierced. If these words describe you or someone you know, be assured that you are not alone. Jesus understands and cares about what has been done to you. And as you move forward in life, trust God and know that you are in His arms. No matter what pain you are going through, He is with you and will set you free and lift you up with Him. "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you" (Isaiah 35:4).
For more detailed information, Adventist Risk Management provides resources and training on abuse issues to all schools and church members at https://adventistrisk.org/en-US/ Safety-Resources. Other resource include https://nadyouthsafety.org/, https://enditnow. org/, and http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.org.
