“CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING personal?” Mary* asked, sounding a bit unsure.
“Sure thing,” Elizabeth* responded, sensing where this was going. This wasn’t the first time someone had asked her, but she was still figuring out how to address it.
Mary paused, as if the words were difficult to say out loud, before probing, “Has your dad’s sexual abuse affected your marriage?”
Elizabeth replied with tears in her voice, “I’ve been married for twenty years, and I can’t shake this feeling of guilt and anxiety every time my husband and I are intimate. I feel like something’s wrong with me, and I’m worried it’s hurting him and our marriage. What should I do? How do I heal?” Such conversations are likely familiar to pastors and counselors, and survivors of abuse might have pondered the questions themselves. The trauma of abuse is immeasurable, and its residual anguish touches upon the most intimate aspects of one’s life. These questions aren’t just coming from women. Both men and women have shared their struggles, expressing a deep desire for intimacy while grappling with the feeling of insecurity in their relationships. They worry that their marriage is heading for unhappiness and eventual separation or that they might be unfit parents. Spouses of survivors want to know how to support their loved ones in feeling safe and loved.
From a biblical perspective, sexual abuse is a grave violation of God’s design for human relationships and is contrary to the principles of love, respect, and consent that underpin healthy sexual relations within marriage.
This brief article is not intended to serve as a comprehensive guide for healing from sexual trauma. Rather, it aims to help you gain insight into two of the common impacts that sexual trauma can have on survivors. By understanding these implications, you may be better equipped to support those who have experienced sexual trauma, who may include members of your congregation.
SEX—A GIFT FROM GOD
The Bible portrays sexuality and the practice of sex within the context of a marriage as a gift from God. We find this perspective in the early chapters of the Bible, particularly in the creation story in the book of Genesis. In this narrative, God creates Adam and Eve and blesses them, commanding them to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:27, 28).
Furthermore, the Bible celebrates sexual intimacy between a married man and woman in the context of love and commitment. In the Old Testament, the Song of Solomon is an example of poetic and romantic writing that celebrates the joy and beauty of marital love and sexual attraction. For individuals and faith communities, the concept of sex as a gift from God implies a view of sexuality as something sacred to be cherished,
respected, and enjoyed within the confines of a loving and committed marital relationship.
But what happens when sex is scarred by sexual trauma?
Let’s look at two of the most prevalent cognitive frameworks shaped by sexual trauma:
1. The Sense of Complicity
The concept of complicity and trauma can be a complex issue to navigate. Complicity, often defined as the willing involvement or participation in a wrongful act, can manifest in various ways within the context of trauma. For instance, individuals may feel responsible for their own abuse for several reasons, such as:
● Desire for Kindness and Attention:
Before experiencing abuse, there might be an environment in which the victim needs care, attention, love, and protection. Abusers may exploit this vulnerability by offering kindness and attention, grooming the victim, and ultimately gaining access to their heart. This can lead to feelings of complicity, as victims may believe that if they hadn’t desired the abuser’s attention or kindness, the abuse may not have occurred.
● Sense of Choice: Victims of sexual abuse may believe they had a measure of choice in the abuse, particularly if they willingly engaged in activities with the abuser. The abuser may encourage this feeling of choice, as it can lead to a sense of cooperation and responsibility on the part of the victim.
● Loss of Resistance: Victims may reach a point during the abuse where they stop resisting or saying no, often because they feel powerless or that resistance is futile. This can contribute to feelings of complicity, as victims may feel that their lack of resistance implies a level of consent.
● Physical Responses: Victims may experience normal physical responses, such as arousal, during the abuse, even if they do not want or enjoy the experience. We are designed to feel a response to stimuli. However, this can be confusing and lead to feelings of complicity, as victims may feel that their bodies’ responses imply a level of participation in the abuse.
Recognizing the tactics abusers use to create feelings of complicity can help victims understand that they are not to blame for their abuse, and they can start the healing journey from the trauma they have experienced. This understanding not only allows the survivor to realize that the responses they had to their abuser were natural human reactions, but also to recognize that they were conditioned to think, feel, and act in certain ways to survive. It is all about self-protection and survival. It was not their choice; whatever they did, it was their survival strategy.
2. A Sense of Shame and Guilt
Shame and guilt can be profound responses to sexual trauma, and they can often intersect with our spiritual beliefs. Many survivors of sexual trauma struggle with feelings of guilt and shame that are deeply ingrained in cultural and religious narratives about sexuality, morality, and personal worth. Here’s how these motions can be experienced in the context of sexual trauma and our biblical perspectives:
● Internalization of Blame: Survivors often grapple with a sense of self-blame, wondering if they somehow caused or deserved the abuse. They perceive themselves as having fallen short of these standards.
● External Judgments: Survivors may also face external judgment from their faith communities, churches, or leaders. Such judgment can be explicitly stated or subtly implied, reinforcing the idea that the victim is at fault for the abuse. This can further exacerbate feelings of guilt and shame.
● Questioning Faith: Sexual trauma can shake a person’s faith and understanding of God’s role in their life. Survivors may struggle with feelings of betrayal by God or doubt about their spirituality. This spiritual distress can intensify feelings of guilt and shame, as they may perceive their suffering as a punishment or test from God.
For survivors, it is important to navigate these emotions with care and compassion, seeking support from trusted individuals and communities. For church leaders and churches, it is crucial to approach survivors with empathy, understanding, and a commitment to justice and healing rather than judgment or blame.
The Bible addresses sexual trauma and the accompanying feelings of shame, guilt, and complicity in various ways. At the forefront, it is vital to recognize that sexual trauma is a violation of God’s intended design for human relationships and reflects the brokenness and sinfulness of the world. It is not the victim’s fault, and they are not complicit in the abuse they endured.
PRACTICAL STEPS FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL TRAUMA
Seek Professional Help: It’s crucial to reach out to a trained professional to assist with processing the pain. Time alone won’t heal the wounds of trauma. Trauma is complex and requires expert guidance to navigate and make sense of the story.
Avoid Minimizing Your Experience: Survivors should never minimize or justify the harm done to them. Downplaying the experience only reinforces the pain. It’s essential to acknowledge the gravity of what happened.
Commit to Healing: Healing is a process that takes time and dedication to therapy. It’s important to remain committed to the therapeutic journey, even during challenging times.
Find Support in Faith Communities: Grieving the loss within a trusted faith community can provide solace and understanding. Seek out a supportive environment where judgment and condemnation are absent. Drawing from teachings like those found in the book of Lamentations can be beneficial.
Hold On to Hope: Remember, hope and healing are promises. Despite the challenges, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Trust in the possibility of healing and recovery.
Recognize the Need for Professional Help: I cannot overstate this enough: you cannot heal alone. Dealing with sexual trauma cannot be done on your own. Survivors must seek professional help to facilitate their healing journey. There’s no one-sizefits- all solution, and guidance from a trained therapist is invaluable.
By following these practical steps, survivors can begin their journey toward healing and reclaiming their lives from the effects of sexual trauma.
However, ministerial spouses (and pastors) must address this critical issue with a deep sense of compassion. Like Jesus’ interaction with the woman at the well, where He showed compassion without judgment or condemnation, we are called to embrace God’s healing approach. The initial step toward healing is for the church community to come together in support of survivors and provide them with hope.
THERE IS HOPE IN HEALING
One powerful passage in the Bible that speaks to the hope of healing from sexual trauma is Isaiah 61:1–3. The phrase “beauty for ashes” is found in verse 3: “He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own glory” (NLT).
This passage describes God’s promise to bring healing and restoration to those who have experienced deep pain and brokenness. The imagery of “beauty for ashes” suggests that God can transform the ashes of our past experiences into something beautiful and meaningful. He can take the pain and suffering we have endured and use it to bring about growth, healing, and wholeness.
For those who have experienced sexual trauma, it is important to remember that God sees and cares about your pain. He offers a path to healing and restoration through His love, grace, and presence. While the journey toward healing may be difficult and may involve seeking professional help and support, God promises that He can bring beauty from the ashes of our past. As we entrust our pain and brokenness to Him, He can work in our lives to bring healing, hope, and redemption.
Disclaimer: Healing from the trauma of sexual abuse is a complex process. It’s essential for survivors to seek out the support of trained professionals, such as therapists or counselors, who can help them process their experiences, work through the trauma, and develop coping strategies.
*Mary and Elizabeth are pseudonyms.
REFERENCES:
Dan Allender, Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Books, 2016).
Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, Trauma and Transformation:Growing in the Aftermath of Suffering (Thousand Oaks, Calif.: Sage Publications, 1995).
Aundi Kolber, Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode—and into a Life of Connection and Joy (Carol Stream, Ill.: Tyndale House Pub., 2020).
Curt Thompson The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves (Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 2015).
